God's will or just PMS?

For the past two days I've woken up with this decidedly sinking feeling... yesterday was complete anxiety and today an absolute heaviness... Of course I can't explain it.

Granted work is a bit slow and I'm really trying to keep the faith and find ways to change this. But I'm not sure that's the root of my anxiety. Part of me thinks it may be that over the past 2 weeks I've allowed myself to fall back into my bad eating habits, so even though I've kept up with boxing and gym I'm too scared to step on the scale. This upsets me. I get so angry with myself.

I haven't kept up with my new bible reading venture and I cant explain this either because I was actually quite enjoying this pastime.

I'm feeling quite unfulfilled at the moment. I seem to be using food to fill this gap and the more I do it, the less I like myself.

I cant figure out what gets me into these spaces. These low points. I anger easily, my sister is annoying me the most at the moment, for various reasons including not following up on a potential business connection which I made the effort to establish. And then her own personal life and choices which I decided to keep out of year ago... for my own peace of mind and sanity.

There are so many things I have to be grateful for... My marriage has remained fulfilling and full of overwhelming love. We have had no significant fights in fact we wake up each day with an the spirit to want to build each new day together.
God has truly answered our prayers with regard to business for my parents, they have numerous projects which seem to have great prospect of longevity. They have been given the opportunity to start again and do it well this time, It's scary, but I almost feel like this is their last chance to make and enjoy the kind of wealth they have have always worked hard for but never properly established.

It is their 40th anniversary tomorrow. Strange that a year ago they were not even sleeping in the same bedroom. God is good.

But God why??? I know we aren't supposed to question his ways but I'm struggling to understand why he would make things come together so beautifully for my parents business and then close doors for Yolandi and I. I'm struggling to understand why he would so clearly lead me away from being an employee only to have the devil cast doubt based on our current situation. I know there are many ways I could view this... perspective is a choice. He allowed us to carry my parents through months of hardship, which I am eternally grateful for. But my prayer is that they do not now need to do the same for us. My prayer is that we can carry ourselves and create wealth as a family for generations to come.

There are so many awesome things I want to write about. A new set of wheels, wonderful writing opportunity and chance to grow my portfolio, a friends upcoming wedding, a kick ass concert we went to, an impromptu visit and rekindling of an extraordinary friendship. But I am just feeling so low, I needed to get this out here first. Funny that just writing this paragraph has already lifted my spirits. We can choose to be happy, grateful and positive... I'm going to choose positivity for the rest today.

A catch up

I'm not blogging as much as I'd hoped I would. I can't say why exactly, it's not like I don't have a lot happening in my head, I suppose I'm just not always inspired to put it in words. 

Anyway, the last 2 weeks have been uneventful in terms of anything of particular substance unfolding in my life.  My husband spent a week in Los Angeles, one of my favorite cities... I absolutely loved that place, I spent only a couple of days there back in 2007, with my parents and sister, when there was only one niece, Nothando. It reminded me a lot of Cape Town, which is why I fell in love with the city. I would love to go back, alas, this year was not the right time... What with more important things to do with the money, like reupholstering couches and the like. Such grown up things.

Work went through a quiet patch but has thankfully picked up and has significant prospect on the horizon. Thank you Lord. 

We spent last weekend in Durban. There for the Durban July and other side gigs of course. I'm always grateful for the experience, it's not always new or exciting but it's something we get to do that many can only dream of. A glimpse of the glitz and glamour world I guess. We looked cute, in our outfits that happened to match. - I'll post photos tomorrow. I did walk away with one thing, possibly a significant business venture... Something that has me quite excited. This week's research project. Thank you lord for consistent ambition and the need and will to be better.

So I'm finding myself needing to spend more time speaking to God lately. I realized a long time ago that I don't know the bible and part of me has wanted to change that. Many people have said that reading the bible is like reading a series of stories, so I figured I'd try it. I have never known where to begin though, because I don't like big books with small writing. So I've figured out a way. Thanks to technology, there a few wonderful apps, one in particular keeps me up for hours most nights. Quizup, basically, you select a topic and the app pairs you up with an opponent who you then match against over a series of questions. The topics are endless, my go to topic thus far has been vocabulary, which I must admit, contrary to the level I believed I had mastered, my use of the English language is limited to a minuscule, probably very average.... What's the word, *as I search for a synonym  for usage* none the less you catch my drift. So I've been using the app to further expand my concept of the language. I digress... Back to the bible, the second topic I've decided to compete in although I fail most dismally against most opponents is the Bible. Again, I've decided to use it to learn and feel my way through getting to know the bible better. Each question I get wrong leads me to another verse or book that I didn't know existed, and another story to be read... It's interesting. It's intriguing. I'm on my third day and I can't say at this point that it has brought me any closer to God but I can say that I'll have a better sense of one of the oldest books in history with each read.

As for my relationship with God, it's a tassel at the moment. I'm praying for plently more faith as I continue to question him about things that currently just don't make any sense. Particularly the situation my parents find themselves in. I'm saddened by it and confused. What lesson is God teaching me or them, if he is still to reveal his plan for them at this stage of their lives when they should be well into the enjoyment phase, why is he taking so long? Why is he making it so difficult? Show me God. If it is about me then show me. Or show them. So yes, I'm wrestling. But at the same time believing. 

There is a lot of good in my life and much to be grateful for. And I am. My prayers are always with God before the thoughts are even together. He knows my heart. Lord, you know my heart.

Good night.

Let's try again tomorrow

Some days are just not for anyone. Today took me through a series of events that completely uprooted any plans I may have had for peace and contentment. Here is a step by step guide on how to have a bad day.

Step 1

Wake up and put a load of washing in the machine as intended. Then get caught up doing other house hold chores, delaying all other plans.

Step 2

 Leave the house 20 minutes after your husband calls to let you know he has landed from LA. Yes, you are now late in picking him up from the airport after not seeing him for a week.

Step 3

On the way to the airport, try to book a very busy Chartered Accountant for a magazine photoshoot. One day before the shoot.

Step 4

Arrive at the airport to an unhappy husband who wants an explanation for your tardiness. Have a forced conversation about nothing all the way home.

Step 5 

Get home and receive a phone call about a miscommunication regarding a payment that should have gone off husbands account but didn't.

Step 6

Have an argument about said payment.

Step 7

Call Outsurance to cancel insurance for car you have recently sold. Have consultant essentially tell you that you are lying about the reasons for canceling the insurance, telling you that you must have found cheaper insurance and that there is no way you are simply not buying another car. Get really angry and stop short of telling consultant to FUCK OFF!

Step..... Where was I?? 8

Receive a phone call from the technician at the Samsung repair centre where your laptop has been for the past 10 days, to inform you that he cannot do a backup of your computer and that when he reinstalls the software everything will be lost! Tell technician he may not install anything! 

Oh wait... I skipped a step between 4 & 5

Receive a phone call from your sister/colleague who is on her way to a meeting to discuss the documents she had asked you to read in preparation for said meeting. Which you failed to do as you were unaware the meeting was today.

Step 9

Drive to collect laptop from Samsung and pay 700 odd rand for the repair of.... Oh yes, an LCD panel, which you had no idea was broken in the first place and had no consequence on your productivity. Leave with no solution to the reason you took the laptop there in the first place.

Step 10

After getting to step 8 of this guide, have your cell phone battery die before any of the post has been saved. lose it all and start again.

Much like I will do tomorrow I suppose.

Because Everyday, in every way! I will get better.

That's the way weddings-not love- goes

This is hard for me. I wish I could write about it honestly but I couldn't do that without hurting important people in my life. Who knew weddings could be so difficult even after you're married. It's been a series of episodes to an ongoing saga for about a year now. Four weddings and a funeral. For real. And it's no comedy.

I always wanted to believe that weddings couldn't possibly be as fraught with issues as people claim. I believed that people create their own drama. For as long as I can recall, I considered myself quite the realist, never falling pray to any airy fairy notions of romance. Not the tears for snotty speeches or soppy movies type of girl. Well our wedding was a clear demonstration of how much I really have romanticsed this part of my life, all of my life. Sadly the real in my head and the reality we experienced were poles apart. 

I don't know how people even consider doing this more than once. Maybe it's like having babies, apparently you eventually forget the pain.

Being modernly bred has quite a number of disadvantages when you live in country that is still very rooted in culture and tradition because you are forced to find a balance between the two. Something people take for granted, believing its easily achieved. My issue with anything traditional in a modern society is the lack of follow through. People have such strong desires to remain connected to their roots, the place where it all began, so we attempt to regurgitate traditions through practices passed down from ancestor to ancestor. We simultaneously want to filter the practices through the sieves of our modern day lives, dotted with feminism, opinion, personal experience, marriage and divorce, religion and distance to name but a few of the influences. The most problematic filter is probably a desire use tradition in an attempt to dictate in spaces where you should not. But this is human nature, if it weren't tradition there would be another element to distort.

As a result, of many many varied tales, opinions, warped messages, resistance and most importantly history, we have had 3 weddings, a funeral between 1 and 2, and we are in the process of negotiating a forth.   

My husband and I are taxed. Emotionally worn out. In an effort to keep all parties happy, we choose to bite our tongues and to speak up, we choose to transfer some messages and not others, we choose to fight with one another rather than those we are trying to protect. In an effort to retain some semblance of peace between three families who know too much about one another and yet not near enough, we choose to recognise the love that everybody wants to believe they are fighting for and cast a blind eye to the hurt they inflict in trying to show that they love the most. We now have to choose to allow a self mending period where everyone who stepped down, back, sideways and out of the way can step forward and have their hurt acknowledged. Because even though no one thinks it matters anymore, that they have done their part and will do no more, that they will stay in their lane and speak only when spoken to, it is this part that matters most. This part that is the marriage which should have brought three families together and instead created a gaping wound, that will continue to be infected and seep its horrid bile into our forever.

To the naked eye, we have had three beautiful weddings. We may have a forth. If only our futures were determined by what the naked eye observes. Weddings are not yours. It is only for you to navigate a road with the least speed bumps. It is only for you to use the advanced option to produce one result that reflects everyone's personal filters. And on your day (any of the 3 or 4) you can feel love in the general vicinity and hopefully one of those days resemble the romance from your canvas.

#EngagedinChina

Today is June 17. Nope not just another day. The day that my person asked me to marry him after 9 years of being together! I remember the day like it was yesterday, honestly, not the most romantic proposal in history but definitely filled with a lot of love.

A random day in China with some of our closest friends is what it was meant to be. Instead it ended up being a story I will be relating to people forever... It goes something like this.

We had arrived in Guangzhou the night before so were ready to take on touring the city. We had just enjoyed a good hotel breakfast and fooled by the air conditioning, Lefase and I were dressed in slightly warmer sweaters than the warm humid air outside required. In a quick dash upstairs we left the boys waiting to secure us a taxi expecting them to use some sort of broken english in an attempt to navigate our way through the city.

Now I suppose this is where you would expect me to lead you through a days activity of romantic gestures that would follow me through Guangzhou's quaint but smelly nooks and crannies, that my very romantic person had set out in a build up to the proposal. Well No. That's not how the story goes. Actually as soon as Lefase and I arrived back downstairs, Siso could not contain himself as he dropped to his knee and jumped straight to the question, "will you marry me?" No recital of any song or poem or long winded recap of any turbulent history which would now turn into ever lasting love. Nope. Right there, at no significant point in time or at any significant touristy love memorial, my person declared the front door of the Holiday Inn Guangzhou city center a monument of love forever. Well at least for the two of us.

Of course, being the person I am, I didn't make this any easier for him. I didn't breakdown in tears or shout in elation, rather, I screeched with laughter... yes, I laughed. I still am not sure why and cannot give you a definitive answer, perhaps it was the shock and confusion of which I feel I was most entitled to, given that nothing about the situation produced any forewarning or inkling that this activity was about to take place. Perhaps it was my disbelief that Sibusiso had not booked a restaurant or gone to any extravagant means and yet I was the happiest person in China at that moment, and I mean there are a lot of people in China! Perhaps it was that he managed to keep this from me for who knows how long. It doesn't actually matter because the point is, I laughed till eventually he looked up at me with a very concerned expression as asked "so is that a yes?" To his relief (and everyone else) it was.

He put the most beautiful, dainty ring on my finger and we got into two separate taxis. While being driven through the extremely bustling streets of this foreign country I couldn't help but replay what had just happened over and over in my mind. Reiterating that it was real.It felt like the whole world knew what had just happened, it felt like I was walking with my left hand in the air and everyone who passed would congratulate us.

Every time I looked down at my ring, I realised just how well this man knows me. He let his nerves take over and made the decision not to follow through with his intent to ask me at the end of our holiday in what would probably have been a beautiful romantic setting in Hong Kong, because at the back of his mind he knew that this particular setting was so us- it was spontaneous and romantic without any of the pretense. No nails or hair did, no fantastic outfit or meal. Just us in one of our realist moments. With Vuyo, Lefase and Squinzo there to witness and celebrate it all with us. I mean who would we have recapped the story with if not for them? Who would have given us any back story about how Vuyo refused to hang on to the ring in case Lefase found it and thought it was for her? or how Siso decided that the moment had arrived only seconds before?

Siso and I were engaged in the most random place, in the most random moment that was such a truthful depiction of who we are.

18 months later we got married. In a very detailed and planned ceremony and shared the day with many more of our closest people. Of course we could never let such a day pass without some randomness of its own. A story for another day.

Randomness back in full effect!

So its been absolute ages since I've blogged... For once this does not apply to my writing in general since I've done quite a lot of this in the Notes application of my phone. I cant tell you why I don't just do it here. I suppose I've just never wanted this blog to turn into my personal diary, which is the current direction of this post. Moving along... I have also finally started writing on a more professional level! Yay me! Something I have wanted to do forever but never pursued. But more on that later. Last night I decided that I would attempt to utilise this blog more efficiently since my head is always full of thoughts that I generally don't get to share with people due to my current self employed work situation which has me seated at my lone home desk in the corner of my lounge for most of everyday. Yes so you see a lot has changed since my last blog. But I don't want to go back only forward and so will write about all the developments, well as they develop I suppose. I should probably make note of the fact that I have changed the Blogs name from Peace, Faith, Love and Hope. This is not to say that these values no longer apply to my life but simply that I've been meaning to give the blog a more user friendly title that one could remember without having to figure out if Love comes before or in between faith and hope, which honestly is something I often needed to apply my mind to. So I've decided to call the blog Random Writings, for the very obvious reason that that's what it is. A lot of random writing from a random writer, who simply enjoys putting thoughts down in words and is lucky enough to sometimes get paid for it. I hope the few unlucky lovers who get to read these random posts enjoy it somewhat and that I can remain disciplined enough to keep at it. Caio for now!